MATCH THE DAUGHTER WITH THE DAD…
For a few months now the psychological magazine “Charaktery” has been bringing up subjects relating to gender. There has already been the issue on women, to be more precise, on relations between mothers and daughters, later the issue on men has been published. In the May edition of the magazine Ewa Szperlich's article on the role of a father in upbringing a son was inserted, whereas in the current issue we read about the role a father plays in upbringing a daughter. The editorial staff consistently and patiently offers to the readers the above-mentioned questions. Instead “once and for all”, the strategy “bit by bit, but often” was adopted. That's why, looking in "Charaktery" (issue 7/2007) for a fully comprehensive compendium of knowledge of complementary views on gender is in vain. The authors of articles pass over in silence the distinction between sex and gender, though it's neither new nor revolutionary, and the quoted researches and studies aren't most up-to-date. To tell the truth, “Charaktery” isn't a scientific journal, it aims rather at making psychological knowledge more understandable for the reader unfamiliar with the subject. However – as it turns out in practice – that what the most popular Polish psychological magazine presents its readers to “believe in” is frequently either significantly superficial or discovered long time ago and already over-discussed....
In the article Moje serce zależy od tatusia (My Heart Depends on Daddy) written by Wiesław Łukaszewski and Julia Boguszewska we'll read about the influence of father's love or its shortage on the way daughter's attitude towards life is being shaped. Both father and daughter have some expectations of each other. “The majority of fathers wants their Mary to be a good girl, to have good grades at school, and to avoid an inappropriate company. To remain to be a decent, virtuous person for good. Just pout and lay hands crossed on a lap.” – the authors write. They explain this father’s dream about the daughter without a character with willingness to avoid troubles, as “the people who’re featureless – as it’s widely known – rarely makes problems”. Whereas daughters expect of their fathers love, trust, care and appreciation of who they are and what they do. They yearn for seeing that their fathers are strong, wise, exceptional, respectable. Thanks to them they want to experience how the model relationship between man and woman should look alike. However, even though daughters are aware of their fathers’ expectations, fathers don’t know those of their daughters at all, and sometimes they don’t even try to get to know them. That may result in different destructive attitudes arising in the daughters’ minds. For instance, the father who doesn’t ensure his female offspring security and confidence may lead her to accepting “the pawn attitude”, helpless and dependent, in her adult life. This one who seeks in his daughter for partner or friend causes the situation, in which she’ll be looking in each man for the father that he wasn’t able to be.
About the relationship between father and daughter at different life stages writes Julita Wojciechowska Bo do dziecka trzeba dwojga (Child Needs Them Both). The crucial duty that father should manage to carry out is to introduce child with the world. The earlier it happens the better, as “the children who are under father’s care from the same beginning, are afterwards active, curious about the outer world and possess more sense of control in comparison with the children that have been brought up in the first years of their lives solely by mothers”. Of high importance is playtime spent together, while then daughter learns to “come into relations based on rivalry, strength, gains confidence about her own physical efficiency”. Father’s company in daughter’s school education plays a great role as well. Thanks to his engagement she may succeed better than her fellows about whom fathers don’t care that much. Wojciechowska emphasizes on father’s importance in process of shaping female self-assurance. If a daughter hasn’t gained from her father confirmation of her femininity, she’ll try to find it in her relationships with other men, at all costs and often ineffectively.
Ewa Szperlich in the article entitled Tatusiowe księżniczki i kopciuszki (Daddy’s Princesses and Cinderellas) gives us an insight into different models of relationships between fathers and daughters. At first she looks at the situation, in which a father is for his daughter The First Beloved. The way he reacts to the girl’s courtship influences future development of her womanhood. “That’s father who should open a daughter’s heart, be the ideal man who’s respectful and deserves to be loved with the first, unfulfilled love.” The way a father treats a daughter during her adolescence, thus the time when she desperately needs his acceptance and love, is very important as well. The problem that occurs mostly, according to Szperlich, is that fathers – scared by their new reactions – back off from their adolescent daughters. It would be desirable at this time, if fathers became daughters’ guides in the man world and learn them the way healthy relationships with other men, based on partnership, should be created. However, here will fail the father who fails to be a good partner to his wife, his daughter’s mother, as well.
Ewa Szperlich delves into the myth of a daughter - “The Little Princess”. Outwardly, a father seems to meet all the emotional needs, gives a daughter the feeling of being secure and exceptional. However, instead of bringing her up, he pampers, spoils her, and she grows from The Little Princess into an intolerant, excessively demanding woman, unable to accept her partners’ handicaps and indulgences. The opposite of the type of The Little Princess is The Daughter of The Despot. A bossy, hostile, overbearing father makes a girl grow into a shy and bashful woman. The daughter’s life is scarred also by The Ghost Father – the one who doesn’t establish any relations with her, keeps being withdrawn, coldhearted and indifferent, although physically present. That’s his daughter who blames herself for the lack of understanding. As an adult woman, she lives in the fear of being walked out on by her partner. The damage is done by The Weakling Father as well, unable to play any male roles, inept, submissive and conformed to his wife in each area of live, devoid of aims and desires. He is neither supportive of his daughter nor able to give her a piece of advice, to help. When she grows up, she “usually builds a relationship with a looser, in order to continue with the scheme she already knows, the scheme based on endless supporting and caring for a weakling.”
Thus, what a father should be alike, so that his daughter could have a chance to become a happy, satisfied and healthy woman? The author of the article gives an answer: “Approachable, sensitive, responsible fathers equip their daughters with the best dowry ever: maturity and self-worth. Thanks to it, they find mature and tolerant partners in their adult life, and wise fathers, despite different emotions, are delighted and let them go away.”
After having read “Charaktery”, I felt insufficiency and inability to put the theory into life. I’m not really sure how adequate these theories are for the daughters who are being brought up as the only children. I have tested the content of the issue on myself and my two sisters. How is that possible that, having the same father, we differ so widely, so differently perceive the world and so distinct are the ways in which we build our relationships with others (not only men)? I would answer that some other factors must be taken into account as well, like the elder sister’s syndrome or the middle child syndrome, then some individual, innate predispositions… Obviously it’s a truism, but we’re much more complex and it mustn’t be taken for granted which one among a number of factors will influence us the most. My reproaches on “Charaktery” – too many simplifications, tags and labels. And even stereotypes: is the ability to build healthy relationships with men really the only indicator of female maturity and wisdom? Are the traits like responsibility and self-worth desirable solely in relationships between men and women? Moreover, I’m not really fond of deterministic theories. I do understand that there must be some mechanisms which influence human development, however, I believe in such open doors that would show us out from the vicious circle of causes and effects, leading us to the way where we would be able to take responsibility for our lives. Wiesław Łukaszewski and Julia Boguszewska write in the last paragraph of their article: “From our point of view, the absence of people who are important is always painful. We meet women whose fathers have walked out on them. (…) Many of them aren’t able to forgive their fathers. A number of them are full of anger. Some of them have lost trust in men and are full of suspicions towards them. (…) We have heard a number of stories about such women, but they’re too personal to be mentioned.” What a shame. In my opinion, a competent analysis of specific, authentic cases would bring much more benefits than quoting some American studies and statistics or generating some theoretical models. Yet, such an analysis is done by miscellaneous pseudo-psychologists in à la Taken From Life columns in glossy tabloids.
Agnieszka Sieńkowska
Translated by Klaudia Brejecka
Discussed journals: Charaktery